


Theater

by MrTulkinghorn



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Existential Angst, Gen, Horror, Interns & Internships, Movie Reference, Night Vale Community Radio, Radio, The Weather (Welcome to Night Vale), Typical Night Vale Violence, Typical Night Vale Weirdness, Welcome to Night Vale News Program Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 09:49:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2187168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrTulkinghorn/pseuds/MrTulkinghorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the first time in many years, a new movie theater -- The Xerophile-- is opening in Night Vale! Cecil gives us the updates on this exciting event, along with the news, the Community Calendar, and the weather.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Theater

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Scrub away all that makes you human. Lather, rinse, _ascend_.

Welcome…to Night Vale.

( _theme music plays_ )

Good evening, listeners.

Our top story today: a new movie theater has opened right in the heart of our fair city! This is exciting news, as Night Vale has not had a theater in _for – ever_. Now, some of our older listeners may remember The SunStroke, which took the place of Night Vale’s Old Opera House many, many years ago. But, ever since it mysteriously ascended into the sky one evening – with all of its inhabitants – Night Vale has not had a proper picture house within its city limits.

And I think every proud town should have at least _one_ theater. Call me old-fashioned, but there’s something about sitting silently in the dark with a handful of other strangers that’s just so  _charming_. A movie theater is a throwback to a simpler, kinder time, when the world was colored in sepia-tone, when soda jerks did not require worship in exchange for their sugary elixirs, and you only had to lock your front door with _one_ of the deadbolts.

Those were the days, listeners, _those were the days_.

 ( _Cecil sighs_ )

My apologies for the reminiscences, listeners. On with the news.

The new theater is called The Xerophile, and it appeared near the Arby’s seemingly overnight. I was fortunate enough to receive a special press pass that allowed me to tour the building before its Grand Opening tonight.

And listeners, _it – is – gorgeous_.

The décor and furnishings are so tastefully done, and are carefully selected to resemble a true, vintage picture house circa the early 2000s. Wall-to-wall burgundy carpets made of rich velvet and dust, mauve paisley wallpaper throughout the lobby, and a glimmering chandelier made of flawlessly polished crystal and ancient limestone. The theater is so vast and spacious that you can actually hear an echo even when there is no discernable source. You truly feel as though you have been transported back to the turn-of-the-century when you step inside The Xerophile.

Oh, and the unique, dome-shaped ceiling of the magnificent lobby creates a fun, auditory trick. If you stand by the wall at one end of the dome and speak, your voice will actually travel all the way across to the other side, and can be heard by the strange energies and beings that exist there.

And, if you listen carefully (as you always do, dear listeners), you can hear the Other Side whisper back. They will sound like lost loved ones, but it is important to remember that they are not.

The concession stand is imposing and well-stocked with classic theater treats such as popcorn, Sour Patch Toddlers, artichokes, M&Ms, cashew butter, and dandelions. You may find it a little difficult to figure out how to order your movie snack, so let old Cecil help you out so you can appear cool and confident in front of your date when you go to the movies tonight.

It will seem like there are no cashiers behind the stand, but if you look _really_ closely through the glass and past the treats, you will see a pale and hunched-over form staring back at you with frosted, opaque eyes, licking its lips feverishly as it watches you.

These are the cashiers! They smell like pine. Just point to your desired treat and a gnarled and slightly moist limb will grab it, push it toward you, and wait patiently for your exact change. Try not to break eye contact with the cashier at this point.

You can also sometimes find the cashiers deep in the hallways outside the theaters, especially if you get a little turned around like I did. Don’t worry, they just sort of crouch there in corners, naked, quiet and still except for the lip licking. They are hardly ever in the theaters lying under your seat, and almost never roam in groups.

The theater owner, Mr. Cadwallader, was kind enough to offer me two free tickets for any movie of my choice for tonight’s Grand Opening. “For you and a special friend,” he said with a smile and a stream of cigar smoke, though he was not smoking a cigar.

 ( _a pause_ )

I’m sorry, listeners, I just was suddenly missing Carlos very badly and wanted to see if he texted me. I have not heard from him in a few days and that worries me, but Former-Intern-Dana-Now-Mayor-Dana-Cardinal assures me that time acts strangely out where Carlos is and his responses may not have arrived here yet.

I asked her if she thought that Carlos had found new friends and was just busy having a new life apart from me. She stared at me for a moment and then patted my head, and then disappeared in a small puff of smoke, as is the prerogative of the mayor.

More on Night Vale’s new movie theater as we approach the Grand Opening.

The Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area has undergone some interesting changes recently. The project was quietly demolished two years ago, but work has recently resumed under the management of the Fault Line Excavation Association. This Night Vale based team rocketed to fame and fortune a few years ago when it uncovered the hidden catacombs beneath City Hall. You remember – they dug up the sarcophagus that unleashed a deadly zombie plague on Night Vale? Boy, did we have nightmares about that for weeks! But, hey, they put all the zombies back into the catacombs and we rarely, _if ever_ , hear the guttural moans that remind us nightly to never dig so deeply into the dark earth’s secrets ever again.

In a press release, a spokesdeer for Fault Line had this to say: “We are going to expand the Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area even deeper into Sand Wastes. In an effort to bring much needed water to the harbor, Fault Line expects to begin drilling deep into the desert surface in only a few weeks. We just _love_ digging. Can’t get enough it. No sir, can _not_ get enough of digging. It’s almost as if there’s this bleak monolith covered with jagged spikes and swirling black oceans…and…and it’s calling to us. Calling to us…from its sunless space. It wants to be free. It wants to be free. It wants to be free.”

And then, the other members of the Fault Line began to join in unison, crying “It wants to be free” until their chanting drowned out any further questions from the journalists in attendance.

Remember, Night Vale, the annual City Hall Block Party is only a month away! Festivities will begin promptly at noon, and all of Main Street is expected to be decked out in festive summer ornaments. John Peters – you know, the farmer? – will be there with the choicest picks of his latest imaginary corn crop. And the Half-Mad Leper Under the Overpass Who Sometimes Steals Your Children and Teaches Them Home Economics is also rumored to make an unprecedented appearance away from his teaching hovel. I have it on good authority that he will sell a variety of homemade goodies that he and his stolen children have labored on all month. Fingers crossed that he has Dark Chocolate Pecan Turtles – my favorites!

There will also be barbecues, fun carnival games like the one where you waterboard a clown until his head explodes, and tons of prizes!

And parents, you really should take your children to see the City Hall Block Party documentary, which will be playing on the Main Stage. So many young children nowadays don’t realize that the Block Party is a modern version of the ancient fire festivals of yesteryear when Night Vale was just a pit of fire. You won’t want to miss it!

Tickets to the Block Party are available now – jut whisper a dark secret into a mirror and wait for a response.

Let’s take a look now at the Community Calendar.

On Monday, you will notice a certain repetition. A name or face or number – something like that – will begin to repeat itself in your daily life. You will not notice it at first. At second, you will dismiss it as silly coincidence. At third, you will become aware of this repeated thing and, soon, you will begin to think about where and when you will see it again.

On Tuesday, you will begin to think about this aberration, this tiny scratch or smudge in the otherwise pristine Compact Disc that is your life, more and more often. As you spin around and around and convert tiny electrical charges within you into sound that has meaning to something out there – you hope – you will find yourself absentmindedly wondering about the repetition. And sometimes, you will imagine, the _thinking_ _of it_ sometimes makes _it_ _happen_.

On Wednesday, you will feel a twinge of despair and wonder how much longer this strange coincidence. which can no longer really be considered coincidence, will continue.

On Thursday, the repeated name or face or number will become like white noise. It will happen so frequently that you barely even notice it is there. It will comfort you, this thing, and make it easier to sleep and make it more difficult to wake.

On Friday, you will go a whole day without this repetition occurring, and you will not realize the absence until _just_ before you fall asleep…and the thought will jar you back into full awakening. You will lie in the dark and wonder the significance of the repetition and its sudden ending. You will wonder its significance more than you wonder about the significance of your own being.

On Saturday, you will try to go about your daily life once more, imagining glimpses of the repetition, _your_ repetition, for that is how you think of it now, only to be disappointed – continually and unfailingly disappointed – when you realize it was only your imagination. And you will wonder if you should have paid more attention to the repetition, and if it were some ill omen sent from your future, warning you of the empty life you are living in your now.

On Sunday

This has been Community Calendar.

More updates on the Xerophile! Mr. Cadwallader forwarded me the list of movies that will be playing in his fine establishment tonight. It is quite an impressive array, listeners, and boasts a mix of classics, independent art house films, and thrilling summer flicks.

Let’s see. We have:

  * _The Big Lebowski_.
  * _The English Patient_ – a hyper-realistic “found footage” film shot from the perspective of the notorious Jack the Ripper. Rated R.
  * Disney’s 1937 classic, _Snow White_ – the director’s cut. Rated R.
  * _What’s Wrong?_ Roman Polanski’s critically acclaimed 1954 indie film that features a single continuous shot of a brightly lit apartment kitchen that is interrupted at random intervals by a screaming, eyeless poltergeist (played by Anne Bancroft). Rated R. Runtime: 200 minutes.
  * The eternally classic film, _Casablanca_ , featuring Ingrid Bergman and Claude Rains as star-crossed lovers in World War II.
  * _Titanic_.
  * _That Movie with That Guy, You Know…That Guy, What Did He Just Star In? I Saw Him on Law and Order Recently, You’d Never Know It Was Him. That’s How You Know He’s a Good Actor -  The Sequel_
  * This last one is untitled. The description reads “breathtaking panoramic scenery that makes you wistful for a life you will never have.”



Listeners, I would love to attend the Grand Opening, but I’m afraid my show is not yet over, and the movies are about to begin.

That…and the one person with whom I would want to go to the movies…is not here….

I bet he hasn’t even seen _What’s Wrong?_ I could have held his hand during all the scary parts. I think he would have liked that.

I am giving my two tickets to Intern Lana.

Here you go, Lana.

Aw. Listeners, Intern Lana just asked Intern Tiffany to the movies. On a date! I always knew you two had something going on. Old Cecil always knows. All right, you crazy kids, get on out of here! You can have the rest of the night off!

( _Cecil chuckles_ )

I must be the coolest boss _ever_.

And now, a word from our sponsors!

Today’s broadcast is sponsored by the City Council’s Moment of Silence.

As noted in last week’s broadcast, today features our semiannual Moment of Silence, when everything – including ambient noises, this radio show, your own heartbeat – is muted for a few minutes as the City Council attempts to recalibrate sound in Night Vale. You know, to shake out that weird ringing noise and that unusually cheery whistling we sometimes hear when the sound has not been calibrated for a while.

Listeners, I now ask you to kindly open up your Imagination Edition of the _Night Vale Daily Journal_ which you were supposed to purchase early this morning before you went about your day. Leann Hart, editor-in-chief, has generously agreed to let us continue our broadcast uninterrupted in today’s issue while the Moment of Silence takes place.

If you did not purchase today’s Imagination Edition, you will have to sit in complete and utter silence until the Moment of Silence has passed. Total. Abject. Silence. Just the soundtrack of your thoughts playing endlessly. Good luck with _that_.

Ok, listeners, the Moment of Silence begins… 

( _the radio broadcast ends_ )

Now.

Not so bad, right, listeners? I mean, readers. Or imaginers? Let’s just call you beings of indeterminate but varied sensory capabilities.

Not much has changed! As you read this, you are imagining the words in my voice. These little shapes and squiggles are forcing your brain to abandon your own voice – the voice that is distinctly you – and to adopt a voice that is distinctly _me_. In a way, beings, you have all become me! **You have all become me**. **WE ARE --**

( _the radio broadcast resumes_ ) 

…Oh! It looks like we’re back. Good thing, too. That was about to get _weird_. I, uh, hope you all enjoyed being me for a little while. I think it, uh, really brought us closer…as a community!

This has been…a word from our sponsors.

Cecils, many unusual reports have been flooding in from the Grand Opening of the Xerophile. While the event is well-attended, these reports indicate that moviegoers are experiencing a strange phenomenon after leaving the theater. It seems that affected individuals now believe and act as if they are fictional characters and not, in fact, real people.

Witnesses claim that you can hear background music if you get close to these individuals, and that the music seems to change depending upon the individual’s mood or situation. Victims of this phenomenon carry on conversations with a lot of dramatic pauses, some staring off into distances, and occasionally, pointed and knowing looks at unseen audiences. Some appear to narrate their thoughts out loud, which has already created several _really_ awkward situations and ruined a number of date nights.

When questioned about this behavior, those affected appear uncomfortable and anxious and whisper “Am I real?” repeatedly.

Listeners, the Xerophile’s Grand Opening has devolved into _chaos_. Moviegoers have slowly escalated from wacky hijinks, like dumping buckets of blood on each other, to all-out violence. Interns Lana and Tiffany _stole a car_ and drove off into the Sand Wastes, holding each other’s hand. Some poorly written citizens, believing they are invincible, have leapt off of the Xerophile, while others have challenged members of the Sheriff’s Secret Police to duels, and still others have declared rebellion against the “dystopic cosmic horror of the City Council.”

If you are still listening, and have not yet sought refuge in your fallout shelters, let me assure you that you _are real_ , and that _I am real_ , and that the fictional characters pouring out of the Xerophile are, ironically, _very real_ and are, not coincidentally, _very dangerous._ Hide, Night Vale. _Hide_.

And as these rioters take to our streets, I take you now to **the weather**.

([ _Break the Fall_ by Laura Walsh](https://soundcloud.com/laurawelsh/break-the-fall) plays) 

Welcome back, listeners. Those “all clear” sirens indicate that our worries – today’s worries – are now over. The Sheriff’s Secret Police have rounded up nearly all of the members of The Deluge, the newly formed underground rebellion, for re-education, and have successfully contained the riots caused by the Xerophile.

During the weather, Mr. Cadwallader appeared outside the Xerophile and attempted to restore order by addressing the crowd. Witnesses claim they could only make out the sound of ice cracking, so it is unclear what Mr. Cadwallader said, but it _is_ clear that his words incited the crowd to turn its attention on him and on the Xerophile. Armed with pitchforks and torches of unknown origin, the crowd of moviegoers pursued Mr. Cadwallader into the Xerophile, and set fire to everything they could find.

The surviving moviegoers appeared to return to normal as the fire raged. “Why are we here?” they were all heard to ask. “Why am _I_ here?” they muttered to themselves, uncomfortably. “Why are _any_ of us, everywhere…here?” they think to themselves in the quiet dark of their homes later this evening.

The Xerophile is now a smoldering, ruinous shell. The fate of Mr. Cadwallader and his cashiers is unknown. It is my opinion, listeners, that we should keep a close eye on the Xerophile in the future. 

If we have learned anything today, listeners, it is that fiction can be disturbingly powerful. This is exactly why it is important to adhere to the City Council’s list of municipally approved books.

If something _unreal_ can have such an effect on us, can shape our personalities and our decisions so forcefully, you have to wonder – can it truly be called _unreal_ at all? And how many _unreal_ things and forces are out there, controlling us and our destinies?

I leave you now with the sound of knocking at your bedroom door, and the choice of answering it or not.

Goodnight, Night Vale.

 _Goodnight_.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome To Night Vale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.
> 
> This episode’s weather was "Break the Fall" by Laura Welsh. Find out more at https://soundcloud.com/laurawelsh
> 
> Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show, as well as their books on The Unused Story Ideas of H.P. Lovecraft and What It Means To Be A Grown-Up, and while you’re there, consider clicking the donate link, that would be cool of you.
> 
> Today’s proverb: It wants to be free. It wants to be free. It wants to be free.


End file.
